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Coming out can be hard at any age, but by the time you’re well into adulthood it may feel terrifying, and be completely life-changing. Many people who come out in their thirties and onwards may have wanted to for a long time but not felt safe enough to do so. As October 11 marks National Coming Out Day, it’s important to reflect on how, if and when people can share their authentic selves. “I wasn’t raised in a time when it felt safe to express attraction to women,” says author and creative mentor Fiona Fletcher Reid, who came out last year at the age of 35. “I wasn’t sure about my sexuality until I had psychosexual therapy and was able to explore all the layers of internalised homophobia and repression that I had accumulated over my 35 years,” she says. So, how you can support someone who is going through it? Don’t assume everyone is the same Not every person’s coming out looks the same, and some LGBTQ+ experiences are not universal. “Coming out is a personal experience and because it is often physically and emotionally dangerous to be openly queer, lots of people never feel able to be open,” says Fletcher Reid, now 36. “Some people might feel free to come out once they have ended a particular relationship, or after meeting people who they feel safe around. “For others, like me, it’s that we don’t consciously acknowledge our sexuality until we are a lot older and have the confidence to work through the emotional implications and real-life consequences that come with that,” The writer, from Glasgow, was going through a divorce at the time with a man she’d been with since the age of 17. “During therapy, I talked a lot about the pain I was experiencing during intercourse as well as my general anxiety around sex. It wasn’t until I’d built up a trusting relationship with my therapist that I felt able to discuss the fact that I thought I might be gay and I did not expect that to come up, so I was just as surprised as everyone else when I came out.” Don’t question their authenticity Validate what the person who has come out is saying. “Don’t say, ‘Are you sure?’ because you can rest assured that the person coming out to you has thought long and hard about this,” says Fletcher Reid. “Casting self-doubt on someone when they have opened up a vulnerable part of themselves to you is hurtful.” Don’t question them about their sex life It’s no one else’s business. “Please don’t ask about whether they have been intimate with anyone, or any other sort of suggestion that they need to ‘prove’ their sexuality to you,” she stresses. Consider what they feel and accept that it is a big deal They are probably feeling “a mix of emotions, including excited, happy, empowered and scared for their safety”, says Fletcher Reid. “Sadly coming out can still cause huge ruptures in relationships so be aware that this is a huge moment for them and comes with real consequences. “Dismissing their experience as ‘not a big deal’ because you think it’s ‘normal to be gay’ now is a dangerous and false narrative.” It may sound simple, but just listening and supporting them is vital. “Be there to listen and try to celebrate all the new things that they are exploring as they come out, whether that’s dating, meeting new people or finding ways to experiment with their identity through fashion,” says Fletcher Reid. “Repeat often that you love and care for them and that you accept this evolution of them, that you are happy to see them happy.” Suggest they find community “Encourage them to talk to other people who have been through similar experiences if you can,” she says. “As much as friends and family want to understand what they are going through, it is far more validating to talk to someone else who has come out later in life and understands the emotional intricacies of the experience. “They can also hopefully show them that there are good times ahead.” Thank them for sharing with you “It is a privilege that someone trusts you with coming out, especially later in life. Tell them that you are honoured to have been trusted with this information, and reassure them that you will keep it private until they are ready to tell other people,” Fletcher Reid suggests. “The best reactions that I had from people were seeing their joy that I had discovered this important part of myself, and that had a huge impact on my ability to feel hopeful amidst the pain caused by my divorce. “Allowing them to feel conflicted and guilty and offering reassurance that they have the right to be themselves will make them feel so much happier.” Read More Israel-Hamas conflict: How to talk to teenagers about distressing news stories Autumn décor ideas for a seasonal refresh Why you shouldn’t tidy your garden too much in autumn World Mental Health Day: 5 ways to beat anxiety and change your life Alternative veg to grow for next season How to spot if your child is struggling with their mental health – and what to do next

I didn’t grow up eating crab, but I absolutely love the sweetness, which you can’t really get from any other seafood,” says former Bake Off winner Nadiya Hussain. “This natural sweetness is quite a wonder and it really does work well cooked with the slight crunch of the green beans and the simple spicing, making it a bhuna I cook time and time again.” Crab bhuna Serves: 4 Ingredients: Oil, for frying 4 cloves of garlic, crushed 2 red onions, finely diced 2 red peppers, finely diced 3 mild red chillies, finely diced 1½ tsp salt ½ tsp ground turmeric 3 tsp curry powder 180g green beans, finely sliced 3 x 145g tins of shredded crab meat in brine, drained Large handful of chopped fresh coriander Method: 1. Start with a large non-stick pan or wok and put it onto the hob over a high heat. Add the oil and as soon as it is hot, add the garlic and cook until golden. 2. Now add the red onion, red pepper and red chilli along with the salt, turmeric and curry powder. Add a splash of water and the green beans and cook till there is no liquid left. 3. Now add the shredded crab meat. As you add the crab meat, make sure you remove any excess moisture. A bhuna is meant to be dry so we want to avoid any excess liquid. Cook with the lid off over a high heat for 10 minutes. 4. Take off the heat, add the chopped coriander and mix through to serve. Saag aloo chicken jalfrezi “This is the kind of dish that you often see being served up at an Indian restaurant and while it may look complicated, it doesn’t have to be at all,” says Hussain. “This is like the Bengali stir fry you never knew you needed. It’s spiced, fast and a feast for the eyes.” Serves: 4 Ingredients: Oil, for frying 3 dried red chillies 4 cloves of garlic, thinly sliced 400g tin of cream of tomato soup 1½ tsp salt 4 tbsps brown sauce 4 tbsp art masala mix 2 red onions, quartered 2 red peppers, cut into large chunks 560g tin of potatoes, halved 200g cooked chicken 80g fresh baby spinach Handful of fresh coriander 2 spring onions, thinly sliced For the art masala mix: 28g cardamom pods 3g bay leaves 34g fennel seeds 100g cumin seeds or ground cumin 38g ground cinnamon 100g ground turmeric 44g chilli powder 200g curry powder Method: 1. To make the art masala mix, use a spice grinder. Lots of smoothie-makers also come with a milling blade that works well to really crush down these whole spices. Put the cardamom pods in the grinder, husk and all. Whack them in and blend to a fine powder, then pour out into a large bowl. Now put your bay leaves, fennel and cumin seeds into the same grinder and blitz to a powder. If your grinder is small, you can do each spice alone, but just note that when doing the bay leaves, always blend them with the fennel seeds. They need the seeds to get them moving enough to crush to a powder. Add to the bowl. Mix thoroughly, being sure to do this after each addition as it’s important to make sure that the mix is well-blended. Now for the cinnamon. I prefer to use ground cinnamon as it’s readily available and will save you from having to crush something quite hard – why should we if we don’t need to? Add to the bowl and mix. Chuck in the ground turmeric and mix. Add the chilli powder and mix. Lastly, add the curry powder and give everything a good stir. Transfer into a jar or jars and you are ready to go! 2. Put a large non-stick frying pan or wok over a high heat and drizzle a good amount of oil into the base. Throw in the dried red chillies and toast in the oil until they swell up. Lower the heat, add the garlic and toast till it turns a deep golden brown. 3. Pour in the tin of cream of tomato soup, add the salt, brown sauce and art masala mix and cook till the liquid thickens and is reduced by half. 4. Add the red onion, red pepper, tinned potatoes and cooked chicken and stir in the sauce on a really high heat until everything is coated in the sauce and catching on the base of the pan. Take off the heat and stir in the spinach until just wilted. 5. Serve the curry immediately with the coriander and spring onion sprinkled over. Milk fudge flapjack “This includes two of my favourite things and I have made their worlds collide,” says Hussain. “Flapjack – sticky, sweet and oaty – topped with a spiced Indian milk fudge. Why have one world when you can build a bridge between two?” Makes: 12 Ingredients: For the flapjack: 250g unsalted butter, plus extra for greasing the tin 180g golden syrup 180g caster sugar 500g porridge oats 2 tsp almond extract For the milk fudge: 60g unsalted butter 200ml double cream 60g caster sugar 6 cardamom pods 100ml condensed milk 250g semi-skimmed milk powder, blitzed in a processor to remove any lumps 100g toasted almond flakes Method: 1. For the flapjack, start by putting the butter, golden syrup and caster sugar into a pan and warming it all through until the butter has melted and sugar dissolved. Take off the heat. 2. Preheat the oven to 160C fan and line and grease the base and sides of a 20cm square cake tin. 3. Add the oats to a bowl, pour in the melted butter/sugar mix and add the almond extract. Stir the mixture till everything is well combined. Tip into the prepared tin and flatten, making sure to pat down so everything is well compressed. 4. Pop into the oven and bake for 30 minutes. When the flapjack is ready, it will be golden around the edges and lighter in the centre. Take out and leave to cool completely, then chill in the fridge so we have a firm base for our fudge to sit on. 5. For the milk fudge, put the unsalted butter, double cream and caster sugar into a pan and mix till the sugar has dissolved. 6. Crush the cardamom pods, remove the husks and crush the black seeds. Add to the sugar mix. Stir in and then add the condensed milk and semi-skimmed milk powder. Bring to a gentle simmer over a medium heat and keep stirring till the mixture is thick and coming away from the sides of the pan. 7. Spoon the mixture right on top of the flapjack and press into an even layer. Sprinkle over the toasted almond flakes and press them in. 8. Leave to cool in the tin and then leave to chill in the fridge. Cut into squares and they are ready. ‘Nadiya’s Simple Spices’ by Nadiya Hussain (Penguin Michael Joseph, £26). 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